all by myself

arggghhhhh... i really hate myself being sooo emo these days... since i came back to kl after my sem break, i wasn't really happy.... not even once until now.. i have no idea whats gone into me.. i got so damn moody all the time.. i got angry out of a sudden... and etc... but after thinking for the whole night yesterday, i realised why... its always because of you... ALWAYS... since the day WHICH i do not know when i started liking you.. it's always you... you've caused all my imbalanced emotions... making me happy at a time and then i can just get soooo damn moody and angry the next second because of you...

Oh, to all of you who do not know who and what i am talking about, you can just skip this post because its really boring.. its specifically and only for this one person..

To My FRIEND....,

after you've read this, i hope you can really do as i wish to....

it has been like this for years already... i do not know why but ONE message from you, causes me to be very happy and the next ONE message can also make my tears fall... just ONE word from you and i can be really active and jolly and the next one word of yours can make my whole day moody... your ONE smile makes me think that I'm gonna be alright because i know i have you, and also just one glance from you telling me that you do not like me at that moment makes me feel like there is no point existing anymore... All the time, every minute, every second, waiting for your message everyday really kills me.. waiting for you to nudge me in msn makes it feels like it's forever... waiting for you to call me in the night seriously is torturing... all i can remember when i think back what I've been doing in the past few years is only waiting and waiting for you... i feel so stupid telling myself to give up all the time... but fail after the next day.. because when i am real close to succeeding in letting myself away, you will just appear.. all my hard work will be wasted... i know that i am being real pathetic for hanging on although i know that it will be impossible for us to be together.. and YOU said it yourself too... so please.. its time.. stop asking me to wait for something that will never happen... stop talking to me.. stop being concern about me.. stop being worried about me when i have problems.. stop telling me that you miss me at one moment and reminding me that we will be friends forever the next.... leave me alone.. i need to get my life... i need to find someone that can really be with me all the time when i need him... i do not want to be all by myself anymore... by the time you read this, i think it will have been few days that I've been ignoring you.. i don't even want us to be friends anymore, seeing you as my friend makes me feel like its the end of the world... i hope that i can really do it this time.. i have to stop being single for the rest of my life....... i really have to let you go.. let myself go... its gonna be hard so please.. there is nothing that you can help.. all you can do is leave me alone...
goodbye dear...

I'm so sorry that i keep posting these emo posts.. I PROMISE! this will be the last one alright....... no more... i hope and i know that i can really be myself and be happy after this......

-JaNe-